Zarechensky:Bravo! Our women are completely sophisticated! Sergei, play aquadrille.Miasnitsky enjoyed popularity as the "Moscow Leikin," and matched his namesake in productivity. The adoptive (and probably illegitimate) son of publisher K. T. Soldatenkov, he kept his benefactor afloat as both bookkeeper and bestselling author. Miasnitsky churned out feuilletons for the Moskovskii listok as well as at least eighteen novels and short-story collections. Moreover, as a farce writer he supplied theater owner F. A. Korsh with enough material to underwrite more ambitious productions, such as the first staging of Chekhov's Ivanov in 1887. Miasnitsky chronicled the evolution of the Russia's middle classes, beginning with his own estate, the merchantry. At times, he put a serious pen to the problems of merchant families caught up in social change, as in his novel The Merchants at Gostinnyi Dvor. He is represented in Entertaining Tsarist Russia by "Mr. Businessmen," a humorous sketch of the new classes. Here we include a one-act domestic comedy, which emphasizes his more popular humorous side and the lighter side of Russia's interrevolutionary period, with standard mother-in-law clichés told in the imagery of 1905.
Petr Ivanovich Mordashkin, an architect, 35 years old | Sasha, a housemaid |
Lev Semenovich Zarechensky, an architect and | Lukeria, the cook |
Sergei Andreevich Openkin, an engineer and friend | Liubasha, a seamstress and Sasha's sister |
The action is set in Mordashkin's living room, which is stylishly decorated with a fireplace, a piano, and pictures on the wall. There are doors to the right, left, and center, and one window, on the left.
Mordashkin (at the window, blowing kisses and nodding his head):Good-bye, Marusenka, good-bye! Don't forget to take communion for meon Sunday! Communion! the biggest ... (waving his arms, then walkingaway from the window). I'm not sure how good I am at this, trying toexplain through pantomimes. She'll take a kid's drum instead ofcommunion. (pacing the room) At last, I'm alone. After ten years offamily life, I'm finally a grass widower for twenty-four whole hours!(doorbell rings) Who's there? Sasha!
Lukeria (from the left): Is someone ringing, sir?
Mordashkin: Yes. Where's Sasha?
Lukeria: Her sister came to visit. (the bell again) I'm coming,I'm coming, keep your shirt on.
Mordashkin: Don't let anyone in, understand?
Lukeria (at the door): Huh? don't let `em in?
Mordashkin: No. Say that no one's home. (Lukeria exits) I'm goingto put on my robe, spread out on the couch, pick up the newspaper,and start criticizing the Duma deputies[1]... Quiet, all around me. My mother-in-law isn't hollering at theservants, my wife isn't pounding noisily on this devil! (he bangs thetop of the piano with his fist) I can't even stand the sight of you,playing on you makes me so angry! (Lukeria enters) Who the devil wasthat?
Lukeria: Sir, a girl from the seamstress brought the missus's newhousecoat.
Mordashkin: I know, I know. Marusia warned me. Where is it?
Lukeria: The girl took it back.
Mordashkin: What? why? The missus will need it at breakfasttomorrow.
Lukeria: Well, you told me not to let anyone in, so I didn't.
Mordashkin: You fool, I meant for you not to let any people in, Iwasn't talking about housecoats. Get out of here and send Sasha in tome.
Lukeria (exiting): I dunno. He's just too hard to please.
Mordashkin: I'll fix it by sending Sasha around to pick it up inthe morning. (Sasha enters) Sasha, bring my my robe.
Sasha: Right this minute, sir. (she exits stage right and returnswith it immediately) If you please, sir.
Mordashkin (taking off his suit jacket and donning the robe): NowI'm under house arrest.
Sasha: I thought you'd be bored and want to go out to the club ormaybe the theater.
Mordashkin: I'm not going anywhere, Sasha. I'm going to lie on thecouch and read my paper.
Sasha: The older madame of the house wrapped her bedjacket up inthe paper.
Mordashkin: Today's edition? I still haven't read it.
Sasha: I told her that, but she said, "It's none of your business,dearie. He can do without his paper."
Mordashkin: Yes, I know my mother-in-law. (doorbell sounds) do youhear that, Sasha? Just don't let anyone we don't already know it. Sayno one's home. (Sasha exists, and voices are heard) Who has she letin? (Zarechensky and Openkin enter) That's who! Honestly, guys, Ididn't expect to see you, but I'm awfully glad you're here.
Zarechensky: Believe me, this was purely accidental. Sergeidropped over and asked if I remembered what day this is. I told him Iremember very well, that today is the birthday of our good friendMordashkin! Happy, happy birthday! (they all embrace)
Mordashkin: Thanks so much for the good wishes, guys, but as faras I can remember, I wasn't born today.
Zarechensky: What kind of a newborn is this? Doesn't even knowwhat day God put him on this earth. (takes a notebook out of hispocket) I've got it written down here. Read: "5 March..."[2]
Mordashkin (reading): "5 March. I drank coffee with my landlady,with cream and kisses. "
Zarechensky: That was in the morning. Read the bottom.
Mordashkin: "I spent the evening at Petka Mordashkin's birthdayparty." Good God! I remember. Today really is my birthday!
Zarechensky: Calm down. I've got it all written down. (continuesreading) "I was at Petka Mordashkin's with Sergei Openkin. Theswine."
Mordashkin: Who was the swine, friend?
Zarechensky: I'm sure it was you. Who else could it have been?
Mordashkin: Why does the birthday boy necessarily have to be theswine?
Zarechensky: I honestly don't remember. Do you, Sergei?
Openkin: No. But I'll bet that your wife and her mother weren'tterribly hospitable.
Zarechensky: I'm sure you're right. Otherwise, instead of "swine"I would have written "a marvelous comrade, extraordinarily generous."(lowers his voice) Say, is your wife home? We'd like to congratulateher, too.
Mordashkin: Oh, my friends, I'm a widower!
Zarechensky and Openkin (jumping in together): What do you mean?Maria Ivanovna died? God bless her. At last!
Mordashkin: Bite your tongue! I'm a widower only for twenty-fourhours. Just before you came she and her mother went on apilgrammage.
Zarechensky and Openkin: Hip-hip-hooray!
Zarechensky: At last you're free and we can celebrate yourbirthday properly. Sergei, hug this birthday boy! (they embrace)
Mordashkin: I'm so happy, guys, and thank you from the bottom ofmy heart, but ...
Openkin: No "buts" about it. You're free as a bird. You can flywhere you want, caw what you want, and no one can contradict you.
Zarechensky: I've got a terrific plan. (looks at watch). It's6:30. You can take us to dinner at the Hermitage ...
Mordashkin: Good heavens, I've already eaten.
Openkin: All married men are such egoists. We certainly haven'teaten.
Zarechensky: What kind of an architect are you, speaking suchnonsense. After an excellent dinner at the Hermitage, our birthdayboy, I hope ...
Mordashkin: Come on, Levushka ...
Zarechensky: No, first you have to hear my entire plan, and thenyou can criticize it all you want. After dinner we'll find a "dove"...
Openkin: And we'll fly on its wings all over the city, shouting"Petrushkina is free!"
Zarechensky: Let's go!
Mordashkin: I can't guys. I really would like to spend a few hourspartying with you, but I just can't.
Openkin: And why not? Why? You're free, heaven help you.
Mordashkin (sighing): My wife and mother-in-law made me give myword that as long as they were gone I would not step one foot out ofthe house. Remember, I had completely forgotten that today was mybirthday.
Zarechensky: Henpecked!
Openkin: He's not so much henpecked as he's looking for ascapegoat.
Zarechensky: I can't believe that you tell others how to buildhouses when you yourself don't have a solid foundation in your ownhome.
Openkin: And what was this "word" they made you give, no doubtunder the threat of violence? They're political reactionaries.Declare a revolution!
Mordashkin: And who's going to pay for this revolution, theinstigators or the revolutionaries?
Zarechensky: You really do need us to intervene in your familyrelations. But I don't see any point in trying to reason with a foollike you. God help you, if you want to stay home, we'll stay herewith you.
Mordashkin: Thanks. We'll have as much fun at home as we would outon the town. Sasha! Sasha!
Sasha (enters): What can I get you, sir?
Mordashkin: Today's my birthday, and therefore ...
Zarechensky: We've got to throw a little party.
Mordashkin: Exactly! Bring out everything in the house we have toeat. We'll begin with tea.
Sasha: The samovar is ready.
Mordashkin: Excellent. Bring cookies with the tea.
Sasha: Yes, but we don't have many cookies. The older madame leftonly three biscuits.
Openkin (leafing through an album): Not bad. One biscuit for eachfree man. Excuse me, but we're not beggars.
Mordashkin: What nonsense. Here's some money. Go to a bakery.
Sasha: Today's Sunday, sir, and all the bakeries are closed.
Mordashkin: Dammit, this is stupid. (getting angry) Why didn't youtell us earlier that she'd only left three biscuits?
Zarechensky: Don't get so upset over your mother-in-law and thebiscuits. The problem isn't with the biscuits, but with the fact thatSergei and I haven't eaten.
Openkin: You understand our tragic situation. We're hun-gr-y!
Mordashkin: Okay, guys, I'll feed you. Sasha, bring out all thefood. We'll begin with the soup. We had a wonderful borsch today.
Openkin: Excellent!
Sasha: Sir, you finished the borsch.
Mordashkin: Really, there's none left?
Sasha: Not enough for a spoonful.
Zarechensky: To hell with the borshch!
Openkin: It's a disgusting liquid. Bring on the main dish!
Mordashkin: What do we have to eat, Sasha?
Sasha: Calves' feet, sir.
Zarechensky (rubbing his hands): Feet--oh, that's good, isn't it,Sergei.
Openkin (also rubbing his hands): Oh, brother, I adore all sortsof feet.
Mordashkin: I'm very glad. Sasha, bring on the feet!
Sasha: They're still raw, sir. First we'll have to boil them, andthen fry them.
Mordashkin: What do you mean, why are they raw?
Sasha: Because the older madame told us they were for tomorrow'sdinner.
Mordashkin (shrugging helplessly): What the hell's going on? Wehave chops for tomorrow.
Sasha: She told us to give `em to the cat, who polished themoff.
Openkin (despondently): I come over to my married friend's house,and the feet are raw and the cat ate the chops.
Mordashkin (upset, incredulous): Well, Sasha, is there anythingleft for desert?
Sasha: Two pastries with whipped cream.
Mordashkin: So that's what's left from dinner, my friends, twopastries.
Openkin (taking a cigarette out of the case): Pastries? Merci. Iprefer a cigarette.
Zarechensky (taking his notebook out of his pocket and writing:"19...5 March. Sergei and I were at Petka Mordashkin's for hisbirthday. The swine!"
Mordashkin: Guys! I'm not to blame for the fact that I can't feedyou dinner. In the first place, I wasn't expecting you, and in thesecond, God help me, I'm innocent!
Openkin: Everywhere it's the same: cherchez la femme!
Zarechensky: Of course, Matrena is the guilty party.
Mordashkin: Unfortunately, I can't serve you dinner, but I havesome snacks ... caviar, for example, and cheese, smoked fish,sausage, sprats, what else? Sardines, Westphalian ham ...
Openkin: Why didn't you mention that before? People have beenhanged for less than that.
Zarechensky: Frankly, it's disgraceful to remain silent about suchfine food. I'm no anarchist, but we must insist that you share youfood with us, and without the threat of bombs.
Mordashkin: With pleasure, friends. Sasha, bring out everything wehave to eat. Step lively!
Zarechensky (taking out his notebook): To honor this occasion Iwill cross out the word "swine."
Sasha (whispering): Sir, I guess you don't know that the oldermadame locked the snack food up.
Mordashkin: Well, yes, I guess I know that. At least I had aforeboding ... the key, where's the key?
Sasha: She took it with her.
Mordashkin (grabbing his head): She's cut it off! Without a knife,she cut it off.
Zarechensky (taking a bunch of keys out of his pocket): All is notlost! Look! I would never go to such an idiot's--excuse me, to such amarried man's house--without my keys. Otherwise, I'd leave hungry andembittered. But with this instrument, in a flash, we can expropriateeverything that the overly economical mistress of the house buried.Where's the food?
Sasha: In the closet in the corridor, sir.
Zarechensky: We're off to the corridor! (begins singing) Alonzenfan de la patrie ...
Mordashkin (singing): Le jour de gloire et arrivé ...
(These three exit through the door in the center. Liubasha entersfrom the left.)
Liubasha: No one's here. Sasha! Sasha! I came to visit my sister.The gentlemen have left, and she's just lounging about somewhere.Sasha!
(Sasha enters from the middle with a tablecloth in one hand and awicker basket in the other.)
Liubasha: There she is. Are you coming soon?
Sasha: Go away now. I'll come in a minute.
(Openkin enters with a sausage in one hand, a can of sardines inthe other, and bottles of wine under his arms. Zarechensky followswith caviar on a plate, a can of sprats, and a carafe of vodka.Mordashkin brings up the rear with a tray of napkins.)
Openkin: Mission accomplished!
Liubasha (running left): Oh my God!
Openkin: A pleasant face, that one. Sasha, who's that person?
Sasha: My sister, sir. She's visiting me.
(Sasha sets the table and leaves to the left. Zarechensky poursthem vodka.)
Zarechensky: We're ready! "To the birthday boy -- be healthy andgrow tall"! (they drink) Strange vodka!?
Mordashkin: It's made from dried bread. My mother-in-law brewsit.
Openkin: A marvelous woman! I'm almost in love with heralready.
Zarechensky: Me too.
Mordashkin: Not to worry, guys. All you have to do is get marriedand you will acquire a mother-in-law ...
Zarechensky: Merci, but Sergei and I are chronic bachelors.
Openkin: No colds, no bronchitis--to your health, Petrusha!
Zarechensky: Hurrah! (they all drink)
Mordashkin: Even though I've already eaten, I can always drinkwith friends, especially on a day like today, when ...
Openkin: When the family police surveillance is gone.
Zarechensky: And when you can shout without being punished for it:Long live freedom! (eating) This ham is excellent.
Openkin: The caviar, too.
Mordashkin (filling the glasses): Eat to your health, my friends.the richer the happier ... to your health!
Zarechensky: To yours, too. Be healthy, safe, and liberated asoften as possible from family eyes.
Mordashkin: Freedom! What a wonderful word, gentlemen ... such asimple word, really, but such fresh, invigorating air blows throughit.
Openkin: But you're never allowed to inhale it. Are you going outwith us?
Mordashkin: I can't. I'm bound by my word. But we can doeverything we want to here ... (pours wine) whatever we want.
Zarechensky: I've got an idea. Let's invite some women to ourmodest table. Not for anything unseemly, just ...
Openkin: Just for the smell! Women are as necessary to men aswater is to fish. What do you think of our project?
Mordashkin: It's wonderful, but how can we fulfill it? Where arewe going to get women?
Zarechensky: We'll look. Who lives next door?
Mordashkin: An elderly and crippled general's widow.
Zarechensky: To hell with her. What about below you?
Mordashkin: A German girl. She's very pretty, but unfortunatelyshe has a husband, Max.
Openkin: That doesn't necessarily mean anything, unless he's home.Germans love to party.
Mordashkin: Max is always home.
Zarechensky: How do you know that?
Mordashkin: I investigated it earlier--only to satisfy mycuriosity. Turns out that he sits home and drinks beer. Neverparties.
Openkin: What a swine! He's an anomaly, not a Teuton. And wholives across from Max?
Mordashkin: A merchant's widow. She loves handsome men a lot, butthey don't like her.
Zarechensky: Ugly?
Mordashkin: Exceptionally so.
Openkin: You live in a terrible building, Petrusha. It's more amuseum than a house.
(Sasha enters, wearing a lovely dress and holding a fan.)
Sasha: Sir, may I speak with you a minute?
Mordashkin: What do you want? Come in.
Openkin: Oh, she's nice. God, nice!
Sasha: Forgive me for disturbing you, but I have to take my sisterhome now. She's been visiting. Lukeria will serve you.
Zarechensky: Why does your sister have to leave so early, Sasha?Petka, don't let her leave!
Openkin: What an idea! What a great idea--bring them bothhere.
Mordashkin (draining his glass): Yes. In my house, friends, I cando anything I want to. Sasha, we're bored without women. Get yoursister and join us.
Sasha: Sir, what are you talking about? Us with the gentlemen?
Mordashkin: Why not? In the first place, you're not bad at all,and in the second, you're dressed like a real lady. Where'd you getsuch a dress? Where've I seen it before?
Sasha: You won't say anything, sir?
Mordashkin: Damn, you got it from my wife's closet, didn't you? Isthe fan hers, too?
Sasha: I'll be very careful with it, sir. I won't break it.
Mordashkin: Okay. What else have you expropriated from hercloset?
Sasha: A corset and stockings. The boots are hers, too. You won'tsay anything, will you, kind sir?
Mordashkin: I won't have to. Matrena Savelevna will discover itfor herself.
Sasha (laughing): No she won't. I'm always wearing her clotheswhen I go out, but she never notices. Nearsighted. You won't sayanything?
Mordashkin: I give my word. Now go drag your sister here. (Sashaexits) What do you say now, guys? We have women. It doesn't matterwho they are.
Zarechensky: So they don't have family crests. Sometimes it's agood idea to have a little democratic fun.
(Sasha enters, pulling Liubasha by the hand.)
Sasha: Come on, stupid. These are nice guys. They're not going todisgrace you.
The three men (surrounding the women): Oh, very pretty indeed!Please join us. Sit down here ...
Sasha: Make yourself at home, Liubasha. These guys are treatingyou as an equal.
Liubasha: This is impolite for me ...
Zarechensky: We'll teach you.[3] Yourname is Liubasha? Liuba! Heaven help me. I could shoot myself fromhappiness. Please sit.
Liubasha: You're sitting awfully close to me.
Zarechensky: I don't like to sit far away from such pretty womenas you.
Mordashkin: Liubasha, drink to my health. Today is mybirthday.
Liubasha: Not really! You don't show your age. Happy birthday,kind sir!
Mordashkin: Gentlemen! To the health of our fascinating women!
Together: Hurrah! hurrah!
Zarechensky: Liuba, do you dance the quadrille?
Liubasha: I can even dance thecakewalk![4]
Zarechensky:Bravo! Our women are completely sophisticated! Sergei, play aquadrille.
(Openkin moves to the piano.)
Mordashkin: I never imagined that I would spend such a happybirthday. Friends, women, dancing ... long live freedom!
Zarechensky: Liberté, brother, suck it in like you neverhave before! Liuba, jevous pri. Petya, engagerous Sasha. Sergei,begin. Medame, the first step! (they begin dancing)
Mordashkin: Stop! Let's begin the second!
(At this point one of the men steps on the train of Sasha's dress,tearing the back of it off her. Mordashkin tells her not to worry,that they'll call a seamstress tomorrow to repair it. They allcontinue dancing.)
Liubasha (clapping): The third! the third!
(The doorbell rings as they dance.)
Mordashkin: Lukeria! Who has the devil brought now?
Lukeria: Should I let them in or not?
Mordashkin: Don't open the door to anyone, not even myfather--understand?
Lukeria: And what if it's the housecoat?
Mordashkin: To hell with the housecoat! Say no one's home, they'veall gone on a pilgrimage. The fourth step!
(As they dance, Lukeria exists, but comes flying back inimmediately.)
Lukeria: Sir, sir, the missus is coming ...
Mordashkin: Don't let anyone in! Send them straight to hell.
Lukeria: The dance has made us crazy--the missus is back!
(Everyone stops, bewildered. Openkin slams down the piano lid andsits on it.)
Mordashkin: What woman is here? What nonsense are yousputtering?
Lukeria: It's your very own woman.
Mordashkin: Lukeria, are you drunk? (doorbell rings again)
Lukeria: You heard it. It's them. My god, I know their voices. Oh,sir, should I let them in?
Mordashkin: It's not possible, you fool. They're on apilgrimage.
Lukeria: They left, sure, but then I just heard them through thedoor. They were talkin' about how there were fewer trains today andthey missed theirs so they had to come back. (the bell again) Oh,sir, should I let them in?
Mordashkin (very upset): What does this mean? In ten years, onlyone day of freedom, and now they're taking it back. (bell) This ishighway robbery!
Lukeria (quaking): Oh, let them in, don't let them in, what?
Mordashkin: Go to the kitchen.
(Lukeria leaves with Liubasha.)
Openkin: It had just gotten started, and now all's flown tohell.
Zarechensky: They're your people, Petya, and we're out of here.(bell) Sergei, hurry and get your coat!
(Openkin and Zarechensky run into the hall.)
Mordashkin: Sasha, hey, let's run away with them!
Sasha: If we go, sir, we'll be leaving a fool, Lukeria, to answerfor everything.
Mordashkin: Quickly, get your coat and hat!
(Sasha runs into the hall and returns with Openkin andZarechensky, all of them dressed to leave.)
Mordashkin: Dammit, I'll show you how to steal freedom! (bell) Youcan ring all you want to, but you won't find me at home beforemorning.
Openkin and Zarechensky: Good-bye, Petya.
Mordashkin (grabbing a coat and hat): Wait, I'm going with you!Nothing could keep me home.
(The bell stops ringing.)
Mordashkin: Hurry! they've gone for the doorman to break in!
(They run left; Lukeria and Liubasha, frightened, run in.)
Lukeria (wringing her hands): Sir, fall back!
Mordashkin: Forward, not backward. What happened? (a knock)
Lukeria: Listen! the older missus is at the kitchen door.
Sasha: And the young one is at the front. The siege is coming fromall sides.
Mordashkin (in desperation): We're too late!
Zarechensky: Our retreat has been cut off. Shall we buildbarricades?
Mordashkin: To hell with the barricades. From one side, the wife.From the other, the mother-in-law. (takes off his hat and coat) Isurrender. Lukeria, Sasha, open the doors and let my court martialbegin!
[1] The State Duma was Russia's version ofan electoral parliament, in session 1906-17.
[2] The author notes here that the datecan change, but reminds that the clothing the characters wear mustcorrespond with the season.
[3] Here the men are using the polite formof address, "vy" with the women. Earlier, they had used the informal"ty."
[4] Cake walks, just coming into fashionat the time (see the sheet music cover on this page), were taken as asign of modernity, and considered a bit racy.