By The Words Editors
Graphics by Chloë Moore ’24
MATT BURGESS launches cardigan line
ANDREA KASTON TANGE only agrees to return from her sabbatical if department can promise that no one will email her endless questions
Student investigators find that JAMES DAWES is an omniscient god capable of living for eons
EMMA TÖRZS gets Vogue cover for best pantsuit
PENELOPE GENG starts speaking Early Modern English, only responds to questions beginning with “doth”
MARLON JAMES series to get musical adaptation
AMY ELKINS starts seventeenth book project
Social Media Managers create MICHAEL PRIOR Instagram fanpage
PETER BOGNANNI to sign adoption papers for all majors, become department dad
SALLY FRANSON lands role in Law and Order
DAYLANNE ENGLISH too pure to satirize (we tried)
JAN BEEBE becomes coordinator of all Old Main departments, sets sights on Carnegie next
